Have you ever read a book that you thought was great...until you got to the end? And thought to yourself, why in the heck did the author write that ending? Nicholas Sparks's book, The Horse Whisperer, was like that for me. It was one of those fast, easy, enjoyable summertime reads. Then, I got to the end. It was horrible. So glad that Eric Roth and Robert Redford rewrote it for the movie.
There's so much freedom and power in being a writer, whether a novelist or screenplay writer. The story belongs to you. The ending is up to you. Being something of a control freak (I know that surprises so many of you), this appeals to me...immensely.
But life is nothing like that. At all. We have no idea what the next chapter holds, much less how our own story will end. Given that I am something of a control freak, it makes me crazy. I am learning. I am getting better at accepting that I have no control and that's okay. In fact, it's the way it's supposed to be.
And, right now, life is good. Great, really. I seriously have nothing to complain about. (Not that it stops me from whining now and again, but it's mostly gratuitous.) I have a really good job with the kind of flexibility I've always longed for. I am building my own business, slowly but surely. I have a plethora of incredible friends and a strong, supportive network surrounding me. I have my health.
This has all come as I have stepped out not knowing where the heck I'm going. I still don't know.
I think it's called, "faith."
But, in the midst of all that, everyday, something nags me.
God help me...if Satan walked up to me and told me I could rewrite the end. That I could have Richard back, but I would have to be back in my old job (that I hated), living my old life (with no flexibility), I think I would probably sell my soul.
I feel so guilty. So wrong. So ungrateful and selfish.
And so, the story continues. Maybe, one day, I'll truly understand that I can't write, or rewrite, any part of it myself.
I can only live it.
With faith and trust that the path is set, the story is good, and all I have to do is believe.